This is a long one, so feel free to take a potty break ½ way through!!
Been a very stress filled summer so I decided to vent a little and let the few people that still read my blog know what's going on. The reason? Because I really haven't been myself lately...I've been a little testy and distant and I feel the need to say I'm sorry and explain a little.
1st of all...a day doesn't go by that Courtney isn't on my mind constantly. Some days it seems like she's only been gone a week, other days it feels like an eternity. It still hurts like hell and brings me to tears. My mind won't stop replaying those last days, the pain, the struggle, the loss. I keep telling myself, God had a plan for her all along and I was blessed to have such an amazing child in my life for 15 years.
2nd thing...This has been very financially draining year as well. You see I work on partial commission so when I was off for those 6 months (which I never regretted) I wasn't selling travel, hence I had no future booking to keep my sales up. We work on a 12 month rolling average so as the months rolled on, even though I was back at work, I didn't have sales to fall back on and it really hit me hard this year when my averages went down. It doesn't effect just one or two months, but an entire year. I didn't expect to take such a hit and we weren't prepared for it either. I am about a month behind paying my bills and it's ok, just very stressful. Then worse part...the funeral home, they were soooo wonderful to us and Courtney's service was just beautiful but I haven't been able to keep up with my payments there either. Up to this point they have been great about it, but they do need money too. I just feel like I'm disrespecting Courtney's memory because I can't make the payments.
3rd thing...Hope Through Hoops will be happening in November again this year thanks to the Mlakers and the S.O.N club. It is my intention to keep Courtney's memory alive, because of all the things she was offered that was all she ever wanted. Soooo...this spring I decided I wanted to play in the game this year. I have been working out, shooting ever chance I get and really trying to prepare for it. Then comes the dreaded plateau. I was doing well, and I managed to lose 30+ pounds. So your probably thinking, why does that matter? Well it matters because I have 20 more lbs. to lose before I will play in the game. Here comes the part many people don't understand about me...if I can't do something right and be good at it, I won't do it. Why would I want to set myself up just to fail again? Ok so lets hear it..."But if you never try how do you know you will fail?"..."When you fall off the horse you gotta get back up"..."You have to fail to succeed"...here's the best "Failure builds character". Am I close? Save your breathe, I've heard it all before.
4th thing...back to the weight loss. I am very hard on myself and I am my own worse critic. I used to think I could beat myself up if I want too. After all, it's all about "me" and no one else. If I'm tearing myself down who cares anyway right? WRONG!! As I continued to beat myself up and call myself a failure Cara was watching me and absorbing everything I said and did. Talk about pressure? She's 11 soon to be 12 and before you know it a teenager. What am I teaching her? I already see the negative effects my actions are having on her and I'm ashamed. So not only do I have to pick my stupid butt up I have to fix the damage I caused her too. I'm not sure how just yet, but it will come to me.
5th thing...disorganized mess. I read that if where you live and work is disorganized than so are your thoughts. Well I have to agree 100 %. Now my home isn't bad, as long as you don't go upstairs. Papers, books, laundry EVERYWHERE!! Lol. I can't find my bills when they need to be paid, I can't find important papers when I need them, (part of the reason why I get hit with late charges and can't get my bills paid on time). So of coarse I'm always looking for something and that adds stress too. My work isn't so bad...I have what I need where I need it now. I still "misplace" things now and again, but I'll live.
Now...before I get to the point I do need to give a shout out to a few people who put up with me on a regular basis. My husband Jim...what a guy and he'd have to be to stay married to me for so long (and he'll tell you that himself..lol) I mean this man gets up at 5 or 6 am every day and doesn't stop till he's ready for bed. He'll be working, in the woods, cutting wood for winter, cleaning the kitchen, fixing something, trying to catch Pugsly to kick his butt for peeing on the floor. But he still has time to shoot with me after work (thanks to Johnny, Kevin and Rob for letting me shoot with ya and taking it easy on me...well they used to anyway...hahaha). You think with someone like him around it would rub off on me, NOT...I am not a morning person and I probably never will be. Of coarse he has been losing weight too and it seems to come so much easier to him and for that I want to kick his butt. Unfortunately he still runs faster than me and I can't catch him!
Then there's Sherm, my best bud, fitness adviser and basketball coach. (He says he knows thing or two about basketball, but I just don't see it!! J/k lol). He's been there for me on days when I feel like giving up. He listens but he never judges, he even argues with me on occasion. The nerve right? Haha. Seriously though, he has been a comfort to me and I know he was such a comfort to Courtney. I'll be having a bad day and get a text message from him telling me a goofy joke, or inspiring me to get off my ass, or he'll be making fun of me...but I'll be smiling inside cause he cared enough to send it.
The reason wrote this blog was because of them. The only people on earth willing to stand up to me and tell me I'm wrong, even if I'm not! (You know I'm always right!!!). They keep telling me "Losing weight is all mental, allllll in my head". I didn't know how else to explain it except to tell you what's in my head every minute of every day. I am "mentally" exhausted, I can't concentrate on any one thing wholeheartedly. The point is...I am a stress eater, when I am stressed I eat!! Actually now that I think about it, I'm quite surprised I'm not the size of a tanker truck. Even with the things I left out, I am full in the "stress" department. I don't know how to do it all, and I don't know how to keep myself motivated, so maybe one of you mental giants can figure it out for me...lol...and if anyone else knows, feel free to share it with me!!
I don't know what the future holds for me or for those around me, but I will share this with you...for the first time in my life I don't want to give up. I want to do this no matter what it takes, just some days it's hard to keep going. I don't want to let Courtney down, I don't want to let my family or my friends down, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to let myself down.
I just wanna say I am thankful everyday for what I do have and for the people I have around me. I didn't write this for anyone to feel sorry for me or for pity, so please do not do that. I wrote this because under the surface we all have our own battles to fight and demons to conquer. Some battles are easy for some and more difficult for other's so...Don't judge what you don't understand.
