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A little off subject for my rant/blog today...a personal story
The last 7/8 months or so have been an extreme turning point for me. Not sure at what point my thinking changed or my will power kicked in, but when it did I just went with it. I believed in myself enough to try, and in doing so I proved to myself that I could do anything I put my mind to. What an amazing feeling!! In the 2 years since I was sick I have lost about 55 lbs, I’d say about 35 of that in the last 6 months. I feel great. I have a feeling of confidence that I have never had before. I guess I can chalk some of that up to age as well, I’m at that “I really don’t give a shit what you think about me” phase in my life, and I like it a lot.
1st thing - to get over my fear of the gym. It was getting colder and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to walk over at Roxbury Park for much longer. I started looking at a couple gym options because I have joined before, signed a contract for a year and pretty much wasted my money. Hours didn’t work for me, and when I was off, they were closed. But this time I found Snap Fitness, open 24 hours and about the same price as the other places. After months of working out and losing weight I noticed a lot of new people at the gym. Yes, most were out of shape and I thought to myself “Good for you, you’re doing something, you made a commitment to getting healthier”… Then it hit me, I’m an idiot!! All that time I was afraid of going to the gym because I was afraid I was going to look stupid or feel out of place, nobody cares!!! People are at the gym to work out, feel better and sweat. I’m sure most didn’t even know I was there, and that works for me.
2nd thing – I had to change my way of eating and thinking about what I was eating. Do I really want to drink that soda that has 300 calories after I just spent 2 hours in the gym? I think not. I did not give anything up, I just made changes to what I ate, when I ate and how much. I never denied myself because that would just make me want it more. But the harder I worked out and the more I started to see results the more disciplined my food choices became. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.
I make it a point to break a sweat every day. If I can’t make it to the gym, I have work out DVDs at home and recumbent bike. I just ride my bike for 30-60 minutes. I have a stability ball, so I’ll work on my abs. I do something…I have too. I’ve come so far, I will not go back. Also, I follow a few personal trainers on Facebook and twitter, they often post motivational tips and exercise pointers.
Down side? Clothes…none of my clothes fit, I can handle that!!
Anyway…the whole thing on the weight loss and working out wasn’t even why I wrote this blog, hahaha, I’m not sure I can put into words how I’m feeling. After spending most of my life feeling like I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t important, that it didn’t matter if I existed or not…I wake up now and look in the mirror and finally I can say, I do matter and I will make a difference. This year I am throwing myself back into charity work. Started working on a team for Relay for Life, of course Cruisin’ for Courtney will be back in May, and I’m looking into a few other charities that help kids with cancer. One thing I am realizing, it’s never too late to make a difference. Smile at someone who looks like they are having a bad day, give help even when you the person your helping has nothing to offer you. (I read A LOT of motivational quotes..lol)
Moving on….
Another wakeup call and proof of changing and growing....recently I had an issue with some internet acquaintances. I thought we were friends, talked, tweeted, texts. But true to form…people are only out for themselves. Jealousy is a nasty little problem. But it also helps you weed through those who care and those who don’t. Without going into detail, I will just say, had this been a few years ago and someone told lies about me or betrayed my trust, I probably would have spent my days fighting and defending myself against it (hell hath no fury like mine..ask around..lol) But you know, that’s just not going to work for me anymore. I am at peace with myself, they cant bring me down. You don’t ask me my side of the story, you insult me and think your better than me. Then you really don’t deserve my friendship. The funny thing is, I could easily win the battle since every word that was said in dm's goes straight to email, but it’s just not worth fighting. The other one who betrayed my trust, I think I understand why, but even that doesn’t matter. I have learned to forgive, but to never forget. My life does not revolve around internet popularity or how much attention I get. I would rather have a few good friends than a bunch of people who really don’t care…Quality over quantity! The best part of that situation…it led me to an amazing friend. Someone so much like me it’s scary…lol. When I told her the situation her response to me, “Some people are in your life to be your friend, others are in your life to bring you friends…and if that was/is her reason for being in our lives, I for one am grateful.” So..looking at it that way I ended up coming out ahead #WINNING
one last thought before I end this loooong rant...I rememebed something I said a few months ago and I want to remind everyone. Don't wait till a child is dying to open your hearts and show love.
Much Love ~Anita |
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I had the most amazing dream this morning and I wanted to make sure to write it down so I would never forget....
I’ve dreamed of Courtney and Cara playing in my before, but this morning was different. We were playing a game and having a good time..and short time later we had a little argument and Courtney shows me a picture of a bouquet of flowers…and says “I wanted to get you these.” I said “I don’t need flowers.” She came to me, hugged and held me tight, kissed my cheek a few times, looked right into my eyes and said “I love you and Jesus Christ our Lord.” I could feel her arms around me and she was so real. I woke up and cried for about an hour, I can’t say they were all sad tears, a lot were tears of joy just to see her face and hear her tell me she loves me, even if it was only a dream. I needed to hear it and that she loved the Lord, I know she is by his side and my mine, even if I can’t always see her. The greatest gift of all this season by far.
Much love into the next year and may all your dreams come true.
~Anita |
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Seems I always start these updates…with “It’s been a while”, so you know the deal…lets move on…
Anyway, where do I start. 2010 has been a pretty good year. I have been doing a lot self-evaluating, Put a lot of things into perspective for myself. Made some changes and set some personal goals. I’m planning in doing a bit more traveling in 2011. I’m not getting any younger and it seems my friendship circle has gotten a little wider and I would like to visit friends and make more of an effort to get together, not just talk about it.
As for my emotional state…I always have times when my mind wonders and I think what if, why her, Who would she be today, etc, I get emotional but I carry on. Next week will be very hard for me so I am trying to think positive, ignore drama and concentrate on good things only. It was on my birthday, Jan 4th2006 That Courtney and I made our last trip to Pittsburgh. I remember leaving the house that night after my mom stopped over to wish me a happy birthday..car was packed, off to Pittsburgh for another early morning MRI. We always had the best car rides. We would sing, joke and laugh the whole way to the hotel. We stayed at the Wyndham like we usually did. Changed into our jammies, ordered nachos from room service, raided the candy machines and sat in bed watching movies or TV and laughing until we couldn’t keep our eyes open anymore. Those are some of my best memories. Even the next day on Thursday Jan 5th when she had to get her MRI, they gave her some meds that she said tasted like motor oil..don’t know how she knew that..lol, anyway, even thought she hated those machines she didn’t complain. As she was ready to go back you could tell the meds were kicking in..she was trying to skip down the hallway while singing as the song that was playing in the office…she always had everyone in the office laughing and smiling…mostly because she always smiled. I try to remember that when I am feeling down…just a simple smile can mean so much and doesn’t cost a thing. No matter how bad I am feeling I will think of her and smile…usually followed by a tear or two but always a smile. After the MRI and Magee we walked up to Children’s and waited to see the do and get the results. Of course I was asked to join the doctor in another room. Courtney was never stupid..She knew and so did I. They showed me the pics of her spine, showed the tumor and grown and said they won’t start any new chemo because she only had 3-4 weeks to live. We cried, we talked, and to this day what I remember her saying most was…”How is everyone else going to deal with this?” she was never concerned for herself, she was worried about everyone else. We made the long trip home but we still managed to sing and laugh the whole way. Breaking it to the family…not easy. But the worst was Cara, she screamed like nothing I have ever heard from her. Courtney heard and came in to comfort her. All Cara could do was stare at Courtney in disbelief…and there was Courtney smiling and telling her everything was going to be ok. Then comes Friday…wow…Courtney got up and ready for school like nothing had changed. She wanted to be the one to go to school and tell her teachers and friends the news before anyone else could distort the truth and get things messed up. What could I do..tell her no? We had been in touch with hospice and they were ready and were sent to the school to counsel all that needed to talk…funny thing, most preferred to talk to Courtney instead. I try to concentrate on the good this time of year, and yes I will shed many tears, like I am right now typing this, but my tears are filled with so much pride for my angel that I would rather have the pain of her loss then the pain of never knowing that this perfect child ever existed, and I gave her life.
Friday January 13th…one week after the news, we made the trip back to Pittsburgh. This time to meet the Steelers. What a perfect day and what an awesome organization!! Jack Kearney, Jim and Dan Rooney, The entire Super Bowl team were amazing to her. Steeler fan as long as I live and breathe.
Did I mention this was also the year Steelers won the Super Bowl .. 
Four weeks later another awesome night when the girls at school planned a sweetheart dance for Courtney. Most of the girls wore tennis shoes because Courtney couldn’t wear dress shoes. She got to dance with her high school crush and auction off her teachers. I have never seen her come out of shell like she did that night. She had the most beautiful blue and white gown, and matching blue and white Nike Shox..lol. Her hair and makeup were done, and she looked amazing. Keep in mind this was 5 weeks after they told her she only had 3 weeks to live. She was living more than ever. I know I’ve written about these things in earlier blogs, but writing these things out helps me deal emotionally this time of year.
Pictures of both of these days are on her site.
Anyway…I miss those cars rides and hotel nights with my best friend. I think that’s why I enjoy traveling by myself. Although I can’t touch her...I know she is with me...the angel always on my shoulder.
Much love and peace into the new year and beyond.
~Anita
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CRUSIN' FOR COURTNEY 5....what an amazing day. This was the largest turnout we have had so far. Last year we filled the parking lot, the field behind it and a quarter of the soccer field. This year all 3 we full!! what an awesome turnout. We estimate between 600/700 classic cars, trucks, bikes, race cars etc. Not to mention the Drifters Car Club from Pittsburgh...they made Mike a member, you could tell he was so excited, congratulations to him. Anyway, I don't have the totals of what was raised today but we did great. Considering we don't charge for admission and we don't charge to for any of the cars to enter, we did great!! Thanks to everyone who attended, donated, hung out, etc.
As for Friday May 14th, wow what a tuff day. Had a lot of talk and not a lot of action. A little upset about some of the people missing at the cemetery....but on the other hand, we had some new faces. Misty, She was my daughters 1st best friend. When they were younger her mother and I did everything together with the girls. We moved, they moved, but that never changed the bond our families shared. We may not talk as often but when we do, it's like we still lived right next door. She even shared a story I had forgotten about. When they were in grade school Courtney put glue up her nose so when she got home we had her sniffing pepper to sneeze it out....lol. We shared so many tears, but it was good to share a few laughs too.
It's been 4 years since Courtney went home to the lord, but it still seems so recent to me. Oh sure, I don't cry myself to sleep every night, but I think of her everyday, every morning when I wake up until I go to sleep. I just chose to think of the good times. We would have so much fun singing in the car on the way to the hospital and home. The doctors would walk in to the room they would make us wait in and we would be laughing hysterically and something stupid. Seems a little strange to some people that a child could be so strong while facing an uncertain future. But with her, she was more worried about those she was leaving behind then she was for herself. What an amazing life she had. Only 15 years old and not a selfish bone i her body and an ability to make you want to get to know her. Even dealing with so much pain, she smiled on so the rest of the world would not pity her or hurt for her when she was gone. Sometimes I hope she can't look down from heaven because I don't want her to see the pain, I don't want her to see that some of those that she trusted weren't what they seemed, that this world is so cruel to so many. But then I hope that God chose her for her loving ways, to be there to help other children who are hurting, to calm there fears.
I almost forgot one of the more amazing things that happened on Friday. I walked out of the house to get in my car to head to the track when I saw a pretty butterfly..it was brown with orange stripes. I went to get my camera, came back and it was still there, then it was joined by about 5 others. Of coarse because of the bright orange stripes I thought of Courtney. I get in my car after about 10 minutes of watching these butterflies, I get to the end of my road and another one flies in front of my car. I see them again at the track, and on my way up on the hill. I see them at my aunts house in New Florence, I see the everywhere I go. I'm sure that it had something to do with the early rain and then the sun coming out, but for me it was a sign. I think that when God created these butterflies he knew that on May 14th, 2010 I was going to need the comfort they were going to provide to me.
It's late and I am exhausted, so I will write again soon.
Much Love ~Anita
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1st Blog of 2010 and it's already May. I was a little mad at the world I was thrown into and didn't feel like sharing anymore, but I have now decided to write again for me and for my sanity. Writing seems to calm me...to many thoughts in my head at any one given time, so writing some may help clear that up a bit.
Anyway, a lot going on this month, May 14th @5:30pm we will be meeting at the Benshoff Hill Cemetery to celebrate Courtney's life. We will have a little prayer time, share stories and reconnect a bit. I don't see many of Courtney's friends anymore. A lot have gone off to school, started families and jobs, gone into the military. I miss them and think of them often. I catch myself wondering if Courtney ever crosses their minds. I know when she was sick and battling cancer, I would always hear people saying they were thinking about her and praying. Wonder what happens after some time has passed. Does she still inspire you to be a better person, to go that extra mile, to appreciate what you have even if it's not what you really want? I know not a day goes by that I don't think of her. When I do see her old friends that darn song starts running thought my head "who you'd be today". Who would she be, A college student, someone's girlfriend or wife, well it doesn't matter, because I know she would have been amazing. That's just who and what she was. To much for this world to handle. She was the strongest person I have ever known. People say that to me all the time "You are so strong" and to that I say "I've got nothing on Courtney". I always wondered what they meant by "strong", the fact that I can still stand upright after the loss of a child, or that I even get out of bed at all. It was all her, she inspired me to lift my head up and be me, and not worry about what the rest of the world thinks. Over the years without her, I have used her strength many times to help me get through. Days when I said I can't...I would think, Courtney got her ass outta bed and walked again after being paralyzed and I can't get out of bed to just go for a walk. I gave up a lot of goals I had, but now I'm starting to rediscover them again. I guess what I'm saying is don't wait for a tragedy to happen for you to start living, get up and do it now before it's to late. wow, sorry about the rambling there.
next, "CRUISIN' FOR COURTNEY V" May 16th, 12 noon to 4:30 pm at the Conemaugh Township Highschool. 5th year in a row, Courtney would be so proud of all the good being done in her name. The weather last year was so great. We had hundreds of cars, thousands of people, and we made a lot of money to help local families in need. People from this area know, but not sure they remember, the first Cruisin was scheduled for May 14th, 2006. That was the 1st benefit to help Courtney, that was also the morning that Courtney got her wings. Not going to go on to far here, because I'm getting a little choked up.
I took this week off from work because I didn't do so well last year at this time. Not sure if taking the week off was such a good idea either, a little to much time to think about things. Her final days, the struggles, the highs the lows, the pain, the fear of life without my best friend. We bonded so much during those years of driving to and from the hospital, staying at the rehabilitation center, all the waiting rooms and hotels. I miss that closeness, that unconditional love. I miss her!!
Ok, went to far, signing off for now but I will be sure to update later this week and the Cruisin gets a little closer.
Much Love ~Anita |
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I know, what can I say....it's been a while. I haven't had much to share, or I haven't had much i've wanted to share really. I guess I never realized what a journey this would be. I know everyone says..give it time, everything gets better with time. I used to believe that, but not much any more. I think I realized that it doesn't really get better you just learn to deal a little better. Better on the outside I guess..not so much on the inside. Not a day goes by that I don't miss that incredible bond with the most amazing child. Those road trips singing in the car, the nights ordering room service at the hotels we had to stay at, joking around in the doctors office and laughing hysterically when the doctors or nurses came in and caught us. Things that don't seem to mean much at the time, come to mean everything.
Soooooo...what else is new? nothing much really....my year started out with me coming down with vasculitis and a few months of steroids. There is something I don't ever want to relive....so I guess if I had a list that would be added to it. My summer was quite uneventful...and since I don't have much of a social life that's not really so surprising. Cruisin' 4 Courtney was amazing. A wonderful turnout...over 400 registered car's and a lot that didn't. The money raised went to help Heather Miller and of coarse a few local charities. I didn't get to meet Heather and her family that day but we did meet them at Thunder Valley raceway a few months later. What a wonderful family...and Heather is so sweet. She is still going through a lot with additional surgeries and cancer treatments, so keep her in your heart and in your prayers. A link to her website is added to the site on the links page so check it out to keep up to date on everything that's going on with her.
In July we had a birthday celebration for Courtney. I made a lot of food and we had fireworks like last year. We invited all her friends and family...it was a great turn out. I hope Courtney could see and feel all the love that we were sending that night and all year long for that matter. I run into her friends from time to time and I can't help but wonder what Courtney would be like right now. I need to stop that train of thought because I just had a tear fall from my eye.
Jim and Cara are doing well, the family is doing well, work is going well (as can be expected...lol) so we'll leave at that for now.
Much love ~Anita |
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Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. I really have no excuse, just doing the best I can to maintain my own sanity. I've wanted to write, to keep everyone up to date..just not sure anyone wants to hear all about it...hahaha.
Anyway, it's been a long year. The Cruisin' in May raised money but not as much as it could have thanks to the weather, but this is Pennsylvania, it comes with the territory. We did raise enough to start the "Courtney Lynn Rummell Scholarship fund" and help a few local charities. Many thanks to Mike Sotosky, his family and friends, the CT Son club, and so many others that were there helping out in the wind and rain. 2009 will be better for sure.
Really great news...T shirts...I've seen what the front and back will look like and it is so beautiful. I know Courtney is blushing in heaven right now, looking down and seeing all the love and support she is still getting. It's still a little hard to comprehend really, I mean the bracelets with her name on them were so wonderful, but now her own T shirt...wow. I'm getting a little teary eyed so I'm gonna move off of this subject for now..lol.
This year has been a pretty fulfilling one for me. I've come into my own a little more. I've come to realize that I am exactly who I am suppose to be. That I can't please everyone and your either gonna love me for being me or your not, there is no in between. I'm not going to change and I shouldn't have to change to meet someone else's preconceived notion of what beautiful is, or what is right. I'm me and that's just fine. There are a lot of things I want still want to accomplish and I will, but I'm gonna take my time and enjoy the ride.
The holidays....I can't say it's the most wonderful time of the year for me, but I am really trying harder this year to put more into it. I have to think about Cara too. Tree was up last weekend, and we even baked cookies. I have been putting the tree up the week before Christmas and take it down a few days after...but this year I'm trying harder. Of coarse a day doesn't go by that Courtney doesn't cross my mind. I catch myself wondering how things could have been or how things should be. But then I have to remember things are how they are and how they are suppose to be. I even catch myself believing it most of the time.
So...there is a little bit of what's happening. I will be posting more often. I just needed to get back at it again...kinda like getting back to the gym...hahaha
Much Love ~Anita
"It's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years" |
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What can I say....these days aren't getting any easier. When I'm around people, it's ok, I don't think so much...But the moment I get home and have a moment or two to reflect, it hits me. Tonight was senior awards night at CT ... thanks to Mike Sotostky, and the Cruisin', we were able give two scholarships tonight in Courtney's name. I refused to think about it much cause it was going to be hard enough...but wow, watching all her friends and classmates stand up and receive awards was harder than I thought. I couldn't help but wander, What would Courtney be like, would she have gotten any scholarships? would she have won any awards? what would she be interested in crime scene investigation? or would she have gone back to wanting to pursue marine biology? She even mentioned teaching at one point, maybe she would have pursued music.....Mrs. G was a great influence on her.
(as I'm writing this my Pugg, is getting beat up by my cat, Mojo, and he doesn't even have claws...geeze)
anyway....Courtney won't be with the class of 2008 as they graduate this year, at least not in human form, but I wish nothing but the best for all of them. I hope that as they all move forward, every once in a while they stop and remember Courtney. Even those who didn't know her so well, or those who didn't even like her, maybe just maybe they will see an orange butterfly, a flower or a beautiful sunset and think of her and smile.
I do want to say CONGRATULATIONS to all the seniors tonight at the awards ceremony, the class of 2008 has certainly accomplished a lot and they have so much to be proud of and we are all proud of you too!!
ok....now I'm just rambling and it's late so I will sign off now.
Much Love ~Anita |
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Hard to believe in just a few minutes it will be May 14th....2 years since Courtney left this world. Over the past few days I have been reliving her last days and they seem to be some of the hardest memories I have to deal with. I mean...of coarse we knew for a while that it would happen, but your never really ready for it. On Friday May 12th Courtney slipped into a coma. She was still there, but sleeping, never to wake up. I always slept in the chair beside her bed...but it still wasn't close enough. I fell asleep at 3am and my mother (who was sleepin on the couch) woke me up at 4am when she noticed something wasn't right. In that hour between 3-4 am May 14, 2006 the most amazing and inspirational person I have ever known was called home. I didn't only lose my daughter, but my best friend. In the two years since she was diagnosed we were inseparable. I was with her every night in the hospital, They let me share a room with her at the Crichton Center, and of coarse the recliner by her bed at home. Our car trips to Pittsburgh every month, laughing, talking and singing the whole time. Night's at the hotel's when we would watch tv and raid the vending machines. It was our "girl" time..lol. Sounds strange I know...here we were going to the hospital the next day for more tests, Chemo, or MRI's...but we enjoyed our time together. I miss that...I miss her.
I bring this all back up again, well obviously because it is almost May 14th, but also because I have so much to be thankful for. Tomorrow/Today depending on when I am done typing..its getting close to midnight..anyway...we are having a memorial service at the cemetery. Last year a few of Courtney's friends said a few things and I was really a little to emotional to say anything myself, but there was so much I wanted to say. So I'm gonna put a few things here, just in case I cant say it tomorrow. I lost a major part of me May 14, a part of me that I will never get back. But in the years before that and to this day I have also gained so much. She brought a lot of amazing people into my life, way to many to mention in this blog, but I'll hopefully be seeing a lot of them later today. I don't know what I would do without them!! The Mlakers, talk about an incredible family. I actually think Jenn was one of Courtney's first friends when she started school here. They have been so caring and helpful, I could never repay their kindness. I just hope they know how much they mean to me and that I really consider them to be a part of my family. Way to many other to mention and I am so tired and emotionally drained right now I cant possible thank everyone. Just know I have an incredible memory and your kindness is never forgotten.
It is officially midnight and May 14th. I want to write more, but I think its best if I stop here for tonight.
Much Love always ~Anita
my heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
how much it means to lose you
no-one will ever know.
Much Loeve in heaven beautiful and I'll be missing you forever VCLR
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It's hard to believe it's been almost two years...but before I get to a new blog I will let you know that we are having a little memorial service at the cemetery again this year. Of coarse it will be on May 14th at 5pm. If you need directions or a ride, let me know. I'm not going to call everyone or send out messages and emails, if you want to come .. come .. don't expect an invite, I just don't have the time. I don't hear from many people any more and I quite frankly I'm tired of trying to keep up with everyone and everything. If you need more info, just send me a message, call the house, the cell, IM, email, work, I'm not hard to find.
It's been a rough time, knowing all the graduation parties are coming up, all of Courtney's friends are graduating and moving on with their lives. She wanted to go to college, she wanted to move to New York City and have an apartment with her friends. Now someone else is going to be living out her dreams. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm fine with that...I'm not. I can't help but wonder what she would be like now? What would her senior year have been like? I know life goes on, but damn It's not easy to watch. I guess you would have to be in my shoes to know how that feels. How it feels to think that one day the very people who spoke of Courtney often won't speak of her at all. Is that possible? of coarse it is. I'm not going to go on anymore about my pain .... you couldn't possibly understand it so I'll keep that between me and God.
So onto better things....CRUISIN' FOR COURTNEY III. May 11th at the Conemaugh Township Highschool. I can't tell you how much this event means to us. I mean this event was named for Courtney...and even if people show up and don't know who she is, at some point during the day they probably will. I'm always more than willing to tell anyone and everyone all about her. Special thanks to Mike Sotosky and his family again this year for pulling it all together. This would never be possible without him. Can you imagine one little girl making such an impression on this man that he is willing to do all of this in her name? We are blessed to have him and his family in our lives.
I'm not gonna say to much more tonight because I am exhausted, my stomach hurts and I have a headache, but I felt I should update this blog a bit. I will try to write more often...just recently it's hard to write without getting to emotional. I don't want anyone to come read these blogs and go away feeling sorry or depressed, thats not my intention. This is my life so I'll take the good with the bad and hope for the best.
Much Love ~Anita
hold on to the ones
who really care, cause
in the end they'll be the
only ones there.
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